The Barden Bellas' Guide to Getting Laid
by delicatetobreak
Summary: "Trust her to fall for one of the most inexplicably chivalrous girls she's ever met." Beca has a little trouble getting some. The Bellas are terrible at helping.


The problem doesn't start until they get together. Which is kind of funny considering how long it takes. There's a convoluted path from dating Jesse to owning up to the fact that he's terribly wrong for her to realizing that she should've been dating a certain redhead all along. Somehow getting together isn't the issue. It's the getting it on part that's the problem and Beca knows she's got it bad when she actually says that horrible segue out loud in practice one day. Chloe is thankfully back home that weekend and Aubrey's photocopying some sheet music next door but it doesn't mean that Beca's any less mortified when the rest of the Bellas start speaking.

"Trouble in scissorland?" Amy asks sympathetically, raising her fingers in an accompanying motion.

"Oh my God," Beca exclaims, "Can we please not talk about this?"

"You brought it up," Lilly whispers pointedly and for some reason that Beca can't fathom, it's the one time that all the Bellas can hear her because they're all nodding in agreement now.

"Yeah, Beca," Stacie drawls, turning around in her chair with an interest that's bordering on lascivious. "You were the one who wanted to talk. So spill, why aren't you getting any?"

Beca wonders if glaring and sitting in stubborn silence is a feasible tactic for getting them to stop.

"Is Chloe not putting out?" Stacie asks, looking aghast.

"Do you need some pointers?" Cynthia Rose smirks.

"Oh…" Amy winces, "Is it the herpes?"

Okay, Beca gives up. "Ugh, no, it's just…she's just being gentlemanly," Beca mumbles and she knows how stupid this must sound because everybody pauses to look at her weirdly.

"Okay…" Stacie says slowly, "So unless you're talking about some role-playing thing, which, by the way, I totally approve of, what's the deal?"

The answer that Beca reluctantly gives is quiet enough for Lily to roll her eyes.

"Nope," Amy says cheerfully, "We've already got that freak quirk covered, speak up!"

"She wants to take things slow because I haven't had sex before," Beca says in a rush and she may have gotten better at this sharing your feelings crap but all Beca really wants to do right now is throw herself out of the window.

"That's really cute," Cynthia Rose grins and Beca glares.

"It really isn't," she retorts and it's not that she doesn't appreciate what Chloe's trying to do. She gets it. If anything though, it makes Chloe even more charming and the last thing Beca needs is to be even more enamored. Beca's starting to understand what swooning is. She doesn't like it. Trust her to fall for one of the most inexplicably chivalrous girls she's ever met.

"Well, how bad do you want to get into her pants?" Stacie asks, "Because there's this thing that I can do with my tongue that-"

"Aca-scuse me?" Aubrey says from the doorway, her voice even shriller than possible, and Beca doesn't think she's ever been happier to see her than right now.

"Oh hey, sheet music! Practice! Let's do the choreography!" Beca enthuses and if Aubrey's looking a little alarmed at her smile, Beca doesn't falter.

The confusion on Aubrey's face only grows when everybody gets up to give Beca sympathetic pats on the back as they assemble for the routine.

"We'll talk later," Stacie says with a wink and to Beca's dismay, almost everybody nods.

* * *

'Later' turns out to be straight after practice and 'we' turns out to be practically all of the Bellas, sans Aubrey, who follow Beca back to her dorm and cram themselves onto her couch. Kimmy Jin is away at some Korean Students Association meeting and as soon as Cynthia Rose starts pulling snacks from out of her backpack, it turns into a party.

"Let the seduction strategy session begin!" Stacie purrs and despite Beca's violent protests everybody starts throwing in suggestions. Lilly's ideas are largely disturbing and most probably criminal. Cynthia Rose offers undecipherable gambling metaphors. Amy tells them a story about the time she pursued a guy back home that ends up in a vigorous reenactment of the ensuing koala fight and Stacie's tips are so, well, explicit that everybody immediately starts objecting when she offers to demonstrate.

"I think we got this," Beca says quickly as she pulls Stacie's hands away from her own breasts.

"You sure?" Stacie asks earnestly.

Beca nods, "Oh yeah, definitely."

"Maybe you should, you know, dress sexier," Jessica pipes up from her corner of the couch and the others swivel around to look at her.

"Was she always here?" Amy mouths.

"You should totally do that," Cynthia Rose smirks and Beca shakes her head.

"Ohhh no, I don't do sexy, it's not my thing."

"Yeah, but Chloe thinks your antisocial, scowling flannel thing is hot," Stacie points out dubiously as she inspects her own cleavage.

"Excuse me?" Beca puts a hand on her hip and pretends to look affronted.

"Aca-scuse me?" everybody else shouts in chorus and when Beca throws a cheeto down Stacie's shirt, Amy chooses that moment to start a mini food fight and the conversation ends. Eight months ago, Beca would have scoffed incredulously in somebody's face if they'd told her she'd be doing this but instead she's trying her best not to crack up when Lilly bounces an Oreo off her face.

When Kimmy Jin comes back, it's to find the Bellas draped around the couch, laughing and picking food off their clothes. Beca can't resist fishing a cheeto out of her hair and popping it into her mouth with a wink.

"Hey, Kimmy Jin," she says brightly.

Kimmy Jin stares back blankly. "And you wonder why your girlfriend won't sleep with you," is all her roommate says dryly before she turns around and leaves the room.

Beca gapes.

"Did Kimmy Jin totally just burn you?" Fat Amy asks, her voice hush with respect.

In the silence, Lilly's voice is almost deafeningly loud, "She totally did."

* * *

It's bad enough that practically all the Bellas know that she's sexually frustrated. It is even mortifyingly worse that Kimmy Jin knows because, considering their unspoken no-sharing policy, if Kimmy Jin can tell, then it's probably really obvious. Getting cock blocked by your own girlfriend is a special brand of frustrating and as someone who's always prided herself on being above all of this and not needing anyone else, Beca doesn't know what to do now that she does

When Chloe comes back from her trip home and texts her to say that she'll swing by her room, Beca decides to up her game. She's not going to blackmail her (thanks, Lily, but illegal) and she's definitely not going to do that thing with her tongue (thanks, Stacie, but gross). And while she's thankful for the tentative friendship she now has with Jesse, she's not sure his jokey suggestion of "juice boxes and _Rocky_" is going to cut it. Instead, she puts on a scandalously low-cut tank top, one that's skimpier than the shirt she wore to Bella auditions. It's not Stacie-levels of shameless but when she opens the door at the sound of a knock, it's enough to make Chloe's eyes glaze over for a bit before she looks up at Beca, eyebrow quirked.

Beca returns the look and Chloe dissolves into giggles that make Beca's stomach flip pleasantly.

"Hey," Chloe beams and Beca really needs to learn how to control herself because she can feel the corner of her lips involuntarily tug up into a smile.

"Hey," Beca says back, trying to look nonchalant but then Chloe leans in, perilously close and Beca breathes in sharply.

"Amy told me I missed quite the shindig last night," Chloe says and Beca's eyes widen with alarm. "Did you even miss me?"

The "Duh" isn't even halfway out of Beca's mouth when Chloe leans in to kiss her and yeah, Beca can't really think, not with Chloe nipping at her bottom lip and her hands sliding down Beca's sides to tug at the belt loops of her jeans.

When Chloe pulls away, Beca looks a little lost.

"I missed you too," Chloe says sweetly. She leans in and pecks Beca lightly on the cheek before leading her by the hand down the hall. Beca thinks that if her attempt was a failure, then at least it was a secret one, but then Chloe looks back at her and tosses a breezy grin over her shoulder, "Please, Mitchell, what do you take me for?"

For the rest of the week, Beca tries, she really does but the usual cues that would have worked on Jesse just don't work on Chloe and even when they do, they backfire.

"You know you're really bad at that, right?" Chloe says one night, stifling giggles, when Beca tries to be extra flirty.

"Wow. Rude!" Beca says with a light shove and Chloe grins, entwines her fingers with hers and pulls her closer.

"Beca," Chloe says solemnly and Beca quiets down, tries not to look eager when Chloe looks into her eyes and takes a deep breath. "You are really, really awkward."

Beca thinks it's only fair that she hits her with her pillow, maybe repeatedly. "But it's adorable!" Chloe howls in protest and even though Beca thinks Chloe may just be teasing her now, she can't stop grinning.

* * *

Beca doesn't come up with any new ideas, is grudgingly close to accepting defeat, until one day when she and Chloe are hanging out in her room. Beca's got her headphones on, working on her mixes on her laptop, while Chloe's reading a book for her sociology final. Beca's feet are in Chloe's lap, as she lies lengthwise on the couch and except for the occasional flick of a page and the muted sound of her music leaking from her headphones, it's quiet. It's homey and weirdly intimate and even now, Beca feels that weird rush in her stomach every time she considers how easy it is for them to just be together, even when they're doing their own thing.

Beca doesn't even think about it when she cues up the first mix she made when she came to Barden. She's been trying to polish up some of her stuff so she can start sending things out to record companies and she's quietly singing the words to "Titanium" under her breath when she feels something twitch beneath her feet.

When she looks up, it's to see Chloe looking intently back and worrying at her lip.

"Oh," Beca grimaces, "sorry, too loud?"

Chloe blinks and the extra half-second it takes for her to respond tells Beca everything she needs to know.

"Um, no, it's fine," Chloe says, a little flushed. Her cheeks are pink and when Beca looks at her questioningly, Chloe's eyes dart away.

Oh. _Oh_.

When it hits her, Beca can't help the grin that spreads across her face and it's Chloe's turn to ask suspiciously, "What?"

"Nothing," Beca says and when she looks back up a few minutes later to see Chloe staring at the same page she's been reading for the past ten minutes, she knows exactly what to do.

* * *

The first step involves stealing Chloe's iPod, which seriously isn't very hard. They spend enough time at each other's places that their possessions are scattered everywhere. The second step involves a little bit of creative arranging and the final step gets her to orchestrate a little rehearsal with the rest of the Bellas. She doesn't tell Aubrey her real intentions because she doesn't want to give her an aneurysm but she cooks up enough of a plausible excuse that Aubrey doesn't even think twice.

So at the next practice, when everybody gets up to sing, Beca nudges Chloe back into her chair with a small smile on her face.

"Wait, wha-"

"It's a graduation gift," Aubrey says excitedly and behind her, Amy and Cynthia Rose shoot knowing smirks at each other.

Chloe smiles and then Beca opens her mouth to sing.

It's kind of priceless seeing the look on Chloe's face shift swiftly from joy to confusion to sheer horror. It all starts innocently enough when Aubrey begins to sing "We Found Love", her voice sweet and lilting, but then Lilly comes in, spitting out the beats to "SexyBack" and once the rest of the Bellas join in, weaving the two together while Stacie gyrates emphatically to the song, Chloe's brow begins to furrow. Beca knows she shouldn't enjoy it so much but she has to hold in her laughter when Cynthia Rose and Amy start belting out "Sex on Fire" and Chloe's eyes widen in recognition as the songs keep coming.

So maybe it was super unfair to turn Chloe's "My Lady Jams" playlist into a totally eargasmic medley. Beca had only intended to maybe mine Chloe's "Top 25 Most Played" for some inspiration. She hadn't really counted on finding an actual treasure trove. Beca would feel bad but…really? Who makes a playlist like _that_ and just leaves their iPod out in the open?

Beca should have known this would be Chloe's kryptonite. When she finally does bring in "Titanium", Chloe's squirming and Beca puts a little extra swagger in her step, smirks as she belts out a particularly high note and watches Chloe swallow and cross her legs.

Oh yeah, it's working.

By the time the Bellas finish their last note, Chloe's knuckles are white where her fingers are curled around the edge of her chair and her face is almost as red as her hair. She unclenches her hands and claps.

Beca cocks her head to one side and shoots Chloe a look, which she returns all too fiercely.

"That was amazing, you guys," she gushes and they all grin. "Beca?" Chloe looks at her pointedly, "Can I speak to you for a moment?"

And Beca knows she's going to pay for this when she raises her eyebrows, sweet and innocent, and shrugs, "After practice?"

Chloe's stare is almost murderous.

The very second practice ends, Chloe practically drags her into the nearby supply closet and attacks her. Beca laughs breathlessly against Chloe's mouth, has to keep herself from groaning, as hands slide up the back of her shirt.

"You have such a toner for me," Beca grins smugly and Chloe rolls her eyes but she's smiling, smiling so prettily that Beca's hands feel a little clammy at the way she looks at her.

"You have no one else to blame if I ravish you in this supply closet," Chloe giggles and Beca has to stumble back when Chloe kisses her.

"If I had my way, you'd be ravishing me in this supply closet a long time ago," Beca jokes weakly. When Chloe stills and pulls back, Beca wonders if she's said the wrong thing.

In the dim light of the closet, Chloe's eyes are unusually bright. "You know I was just looking out for you, right?" she says softly, and Beca blushes because yeah, okay, Chloe's got this tender look on her face that she still can't quite believe is reserved for her.

"Well, I wasn't just trying to get into your pants," Beca mutters, embarrassed, "I really like you."

Chloe tugs at the collar of Beca's plaid shirt and when her fingers brush against Beca's collarbone, she shivers. Chloe bumps her nose against Beca's and smiles.

"I know," Chloe whispers happily and she's leaning in again when there's a muffled "Quit shoving!" and an accusatory, "What's going on here?" coming distinctly from Aubrey on the other side of the door.

Beca can hear Stacie hiss "Shh!" and Chloe claps a hand over her mouth to keep herself from bursting into laughter.

"We have the worst friends," Beca groans.

"We do, don't we?" Chloe laughs.

"Room?"

"Yeah," Chloe murmurs, breath hot against Beca's neck. "Room."

And Beca doesn't know what sort of craziness she's going to encounter when she opens the door, today, tomorrow or for the rest of her time at Barden, but when she turns the knob, her other hand in Chloe's, she thinks she might be ready for anything.


End file.
